Not many people have heard about Trichotillomania. I had never heard of it until a couple of years into the condition after finally getting the courage to look online.
The NHS website describes it as "a condition where a person feels compelled to pull their hair out."
The first time I remember pulling my hair out was in Year 7. It was the first year of High School and I felt like I wasn't fitting in with the people that everyone wanted to fit in with, the "popular" crowd and often felt isolated, bullied and made to feel inadequate by them. Some days I used to dread going to school and would just cry my eyes out or pretend to be ill just so I didn't have to be around some of these nasty, vile human beings.
I don't think there was a particular incident that made me start to pull but there were many different times that I remember to this day such as being called ugly,having pizza thrown at me and saying that nobody would ever love me and that I might as well be a lesbian (even though if I were a lesbian I'm sure there would still be a chance of someone loving me? duh! stupid fucking girls).
I was always quite aware that I was pulling the hair. So aware that I obviously didn't want friends and family to find out so I would only pull hair from the underneath sections of my hair which started off just behind both ears. I would feel around the different hairs, lightly pulling on each one to find the one that would give me the most satisfaction to pull out and after pulling each separate hair out, I would inspect it, look at and feel any bits that were broken or a bit frizzy feeling and then discard it to search for the next victim. I don't think I quite realised how much hair I was pulling out because I would do it consciously and unconsciously.
One day I remember doing my hair in the mirror before school and putting it in a high ponytail and grabbing the mirror to check if everything was in place at the back and was horrified to find these two huge bald patches. Although I was shocked at the amount of damage I had done to my head, it never stopped me from pulling. I eventually pulled out more hair that the two patches eventually met up in the middle. I think at that point I realised that eventually I could work upwards on my head and make it more noticeable which was the last thing I wanted.
I go through stages of pulling and not pulling. In my case, it always seems to be when I'm in a stressful situation or when I had a lot of exams or deadlines. It was always a nice pain. I think the pulling sends the blood rushing to that part of your head therefore giving you somewhat of an euphoric experience. Some days I would pull so much from the same spot that I would create spots that I would then pick and pick at and make them bleed which was also a weird but nice pain but in normal sort of brain mode I would never ever dream of picking at a scab, the thought always repulsed me.
I have never had real help for the hair pulling directly, but I did see a counsellor to give me techniques to help with my depression and anxiety that I felt. But if I ever felt the need to pull I would try and keep my hands busy, either drawing or messing around with something, perhaps even sit on my hands just to try and stop myself.
I don't think I have pulled my hair in the last year or so and I have definitely been tested this year. I had all my hair cut when I was 14/15 to match the length of the hair regrowth and unfortunately the hair never really grew much longer so I do wear hair extensions, not ridiculously long ones, but ones that make me feel like me again and give me confidence.
If I were to offer advice to anyone that may think they suffer from trich, then I urge you just to tell one person, whether it be a family member, a friend or even your GP because it will be a massive weight off your shoulders and also you should know that you are definitely not alone. Its probably a more common thing than many of us realise because its associated with emotions that we as a nation don't often talk about and I feel the rise in exposure of this condition is getting bigger with one of the cast members of TOWIE Sam Faiers coming out and revealing she pulled all her eyelashes out and therefore has to wear false eyelashes and the young girl Rebecca Brown who went on This Morning recently to raise awareness of the condition.
Although I have never out rightly told my parents although they know of the bald patches and have worried about the damage I may do to my hair with straightening etc. I have told a couple of people in my life and they never judged me and even one of them told me that she has a friend who also has the same condition. There should be no shame in it but you should always try to figure out the root of the hair pulling (no pun intended) to try and conquer it and hopefully to pull less and eventually never pulling again.
It will probably be a life long battle, but one that I'm willing to fight and hopefully never let it take over me.
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