I guess this could be quite deep for a first blog post but its the main thing happening in my otherwise alright life. Relationships. At some point in our lifetime we will go through the pain and devastation of heartbreak, whether it be the break up of a relationship or the loss of a loved one.
A couple of months ago, someone I cared for deeply just left me. No warnings. No signs. Just one day told me that they couldn't do it any more I can honestly say that it majorly fucked my life up something rotten. ever since that day life has gradually got worse. its like living in a different world at the moment, trapped in darkness where all you can see is the negatives and nothing seems to go right.
Relationships are just the worst. Before I met this last one, I had sworn to myself that I wouldn't put myself into a situation where my already broken heart couldn't fall apart any more, but I guess you cant help who you end up liking. I remember meeting him for the first time, it was the very first day of my new job at Sainsburys. he was my team leader on fresh and all I heard about him from my mum who already worked there was that he was a lovely guy, super nice; couldn't have much more commendable things to say about him. she also happened to throw in the fact that he had a girlfriend so I knew straight off the bat that he was a no go. but the heart and brain work in wonderfully annoying ways and everyday I spent with him i liked him more and bloody more. We were drunk the night we both admitted our feelings for each other. It was about 3/4 o'clock in the morning and id just been dropped off at my house in a taxi from town and he messaged me and told me that he did. I did the loudest and proudest silent scream you could ever imagine and jumped up and down on my bed for what seemed like an eternity before I replied to him admitting that I felt exactly the same. I was infatuated by him. He was not my type at all. I normally go for the bad boy, with the jet black dyed hair, tattoos and piercings. he was just a normal guy, tall and skinny with light brown hair, gorgeous blue eyes and a nice smile. I just adored him.
The first hurdle i guess is the hours we both work. well more my issue with the fact I work till 10 o'clock at night so seeing each other would be on days off and late late at night and this ended up being part of the "reason" (if you could call it one) with breaking it off. That Monday morning was horrific. He sent it through an iMessage. Just that one line "i just can't do this any more . That image haunts me in my dreams till this day. I immediately threw up and just cried my eyes out. how could this person who id been planning to do all these fantastic things with on our upcoming planned holidays just give up like that. over the next two and a half months the emotions came thick and fast.
The first - utter devastation. I couldn't go five minutes without welling up and I ended up crying myself to sleep every single night and that's if I even went to sleep. Some nights I reckon I had up to an hour all night of just broken sleep with terrible nightmares, just seeing his face all the time. I'd wake up in hot sweats. I thought it couldn't be possible for anymore liquid to excrete from my body.
The second emotion I remember feeling is confusion. A lot of questions going on in my head. Why this, why that? How could he do this? Why is he doing this? My brain would not shut off and this was also a factor in the not sleeping issue.
After two weeks of not sleeping, crying and living off water and a small pack of dried pineapple pieces, my dad forced me to go to the doctors. I was given a prescription of sleeping pills that did absolutely nothing for me for another couple of weeks. Again this resorted into another trip to the doctor, where I ended up crying for at least 20 minutes and taking up all the other patients time. I told her relationship issues and the other things that were causing me grief in my life e.g. my aunty suffering from terminal cancer, my Nana not being very well, my cousin having a potentially dangerous pregnancy and then to top it off my uncle has a stroke which then turns out he has cancer that has spread from his lungs to his brain.
I was then prescribed an antidepressant and was told that I need to attend counselling because i was affecting my mum and dads lives with my sadness and that it wasn't fair to make them go through more shit than they needed to at this time.
This was the darkest I have ever felt in my life. I would only leave the house to go to work which was the last place I ever wanted to be. Everything there reminded me of him. I see his name signed on the fire door forms, everyone knows him, everyone asks how he is and I hated every second of telling them it was over because it tore me apart every time I had to repeat the same thing over and over again.
I ended up collapsing quite a few times over this month from lack of food and sleep. I lost over a stone in weight and wouldn't bother with the way I looked because I just didn't care about myself. I felt so completely worthless. Like i meant nothing. I felt like I had been a hassle in his life and that i was just his scapegoat out of his previous relationship and he didn't want to hurt me so carried on with his charade. i hated myself. I didn't look in the mirror any more. I repulsed myself.
The lowest depression I have ever felt - I'd have given money to someone to just put me out my misery and kill me. I would sit in the car hoping that someone would just drive straight into the passenger side and that would be it or if I was driving that if I just sped up a bit a drove into a lamppost, I'd probably suffer in dying but in my head that sounded better then feeling what I felt anyway. or that id go to sleep and out of some sort of miracle I just wouldn't wake up. I got to the point of self harming.
I've always been a self harmer when it comes to stress and depression. I suffer from trichotilomania and have pulled my hair out from the age of 11 and that was how I dealt with the dark feelings. but I have sort of trained myself out of that habit and ending up cutting up all my arm just to try and feel something that wasn't just pure bleakness. I regret that so much because I now have scars all up and down my arm that just remind me of that pain. I just want to hate him so much. But I cant. I just want to forget but I cant.
Its definitely gotten easier. I don't cry all day and actually go out to places other than work and socialise with people. but I don't really want to. My main emotion at the moment is just anger. Mainly for what I put myself thorough. I just tell myself every day that he is just a coward who couldn't even dump me in person and has no heart because he never asked me once whether I'm okay. not a single word has come from him. pathetic. not even a real apology and I hope karma comes back round and bites him hard in the backside because it is not fair to treat people that way. its been two and a half months and there's still part of me that wants the Disney film ending where he'll just appear telling me how stupid he was and we'll float off into the sunset all happy. but it is not going to happen. He's not my prince charming, more like prince cowardly little twatbag.
I am not ready for a relationship and will not be for a very long time.
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