Payday! Cheeky Haul :)

I love Payday more than any other day! It means I can spend, spend, spend! Today, I popped into Manchester with the Mother and spent far too much on too many goodies!

While getting ready, I decided to give my hair a good old proper wash and actually did it properly for the first time in aggggges! My absolute favourite product that I use both on my real hair and good old clip in wig is L'Oreal Elvive Extraordinary Oil. It is the most fabulous thing I can say I have ever used on my hair! I used to dye my hair nearly every week with semi- permanent dyes and so my hair go absolutely fried and I haven't touched a dye since April!! It smells absoluetly gorgeous and doesn't make your hair feel or look greasy. It adds a gorgeous shine that makes your hair look super healthy even though it may not be in the best condition!

Shiny, shiny, shiny!

The first shop we popped into was Superdrug. I only went in to buy some new mascara and eyeliner but ended up as usual buying more than I really needed!

L-R: L'Oreal Elnett Satin Heat Protecting Spray £3.99; Real Techniques Stippling Brush £10.99; Sleek Luminous Face Powder £6.99; Rimmel Wake Me Up Foundation £8.99; Maybelline Mega Plush Volume Express Mascara £7.99; Urban Fudge Iced Raspberry and Vanilla Hair Spray £2.47 and Maybelline Master Duo Eyeliner £5.29.

The foundation, mascara and heat protection spray were my normal buys from Superdrug but I got super excited when I saw the other products. I bought the Real Techniques Core Collection Kit a couple of weeks ago and they are by far the best set of brushes I have owned. I wanted the stippling brush to try and work on the contouring on my face to make my chubby cheeks look less hamster-ish and more defined. 

I needed a new face powder and I have never tried one from Sleek before. I adore their Eau La La Eyeliner in Noir so wanted to try out another of their products. 

With being a slight hair perfectionist I go through so much hairspray. I could hardly contain myself when this one caught my eye! The colours on the bottle are so eye catching and I couldn't wait to smell its iced raspberry and vanilla scent! It wasn't as smelly as I was hoping, it still has that chemical hairspray smell but it is a lot sweeter than others. I just like the prettttty bottle :).

I've used the same Rimmel liquid eyeliner for so long I thought it was time for a change. I love to use liquid eyeliner on the top lid to created some sort of flick/wing/cat eye thing. Who even knows what it is but its there! and with this one you can create a thick or thin line perfect for the actual lining of the eye and filling in the wing at the corner of the eye. 

Next I went into New Look. I'm not a massive fan of New Look clothes but I do adore their shoe and bag collection. I only bought one thing from there; a black bag with silver studded sides £17.99.

Its a pretty black duffel bag with two side panels covered in silver pin balls with a draw string around the top with a cross body strap. My bags are pretty much all black because then they will go with everything!

Next I ended up in my favourite shop: Topshop! I only bought a few things there which is very unlike me! 

Joni High Waisted Jeans £36; Lilac Spotty Jersey Top £26; Set of 3 braclets £8.50; Silver heart pinky ring £5 and oval gem stone ring £6.50.

The lilac jersey top just made me think of Spring and I got all excited for some warmer weather to come along. I prefer high waisted jeans because it tucks in that little bit of extra podge on the belly and makes my short legs look a little bit longer!

The last place we went was Primark! Always last because it's on the way back to the train station!

Jumper £7; Bio Oil £5.70; Socks £2.50 and Throw £12.

AHHH this jumper was in the sale! Half price! I love to chuck a jumper on when its cold and I want to feel all comfy and warm. All my jumpers seem to be embellished in some way. This has a gorgeous embellished cross on the front and is super soft! I have terrible scarring on my right cheek from acne as a teenager and have been using bio-oil for about 6 months now and I love it! My scarring has reduced quite significantly and is also amazing on dry skin! My drawers are over flowing with socks yet I cannot help but buy more, espeecially pinky/purple leopard print ones! and this throw is just the epitome of gorgeousness! My room is silvery/purple theme and I saw it and thought it would just go so well! I can't wait to just get all snuggled up in when its all chilly at night!

I need to stop spending so much money but ahhhhh I love shopping!

Glossybox January 2014

I always get a little bit giddy when I see a white Mini come tootling down the road because I also know there's going to be goodies waiting for me, and today was the January Glossybox!

I've been a Glossybox subscriber for over a year now and most of the time I have always been impressed but for the last couple of months I have felt a little bit let down by the products they have sent and it seems others, according to the Glossybox Facebook and Twitter pages, are in agreement to this. This month was a sort of so so month. Nothing to exciting but nothing too shite! 

So the theme of this months box is "back to basics". Its basically a box designed to give you a boost in the new year after all the food and boozing over the Christmas period. The box has had a slight redesign. The pink is more of a candy floss pink and is a lot more glossier. The lid is a lot bigger and does feel a lot sturdier. 

Glossybox opened up with the Glossy magazine and products list. The Glossy magazine concentrates on New Year cleansing with detox diets and recipes, all the new must-have beauty products and advice from the glossy beauty experts. 

Inside the box:

1. Yu-Be Moisturising Skin Cream (2x 3g samples) - "This multi-use cult moisturising cream from Japan revamps your skin, enriching it with vitamin E, vitamin B2, camphor and a uniquely high glycerine content. It's an essential for all skin care regimes."

I've never actually heard of this brand before and the glossy mag contains a page with a brief history about the brand and how it is a trusted skincare brand in Japan. I suffer with terribly dry skin, especially in the winter months when I shed like a snake, so I always love to try new moisturising products to see which ones my skin approves of. It feels super soft on the skin but has a slight chemical smell to it that gradually disappears as it seeps into the skin. The samples are a bit stingy but they do give you two!

 (ha!). 

2. Balance Me Super Toning Body Wash (50 ml sample) - "With a blend of juniper, bergamot, geranium and lavender essential oils, Balance Me's Super toning body wash is the best way to start your day!"

Three words: I hate lavender. It just reminds me of old people and those horrible hottie toys that you put in the microwave.The only real thing it has going for it is that its a mostly natural product and their brand has been described as : "everything your skin might need and nothing it doesn't” so it is nice to know that your skin isn't being covered in horrible chemicals that could be doing more damage than good!

3. The Vintage Cosmetic Company Floral Slanted Tweezers - "Get rid of boring brows with these pretty floral tweezers by The Vintage Cosmetic Company. These high quality, stainless steel must-haves are the perfect accompaniment for every vintage doll's make up bag."

Lovely floral design. Really lightweight. But the sight of tweezers always makes me cringe with the thought of the pain of pulling out eyebrow hairs (hence why mine are so awful!) But I am definitely going to force myself to try them! If not, at least they will be handy for applying those falsies!

4. Anatomicals Puffy The Eye Bag Slayer Wake-Up Under Eye Patches (3 pack) - "Looking like the walking dead? These under eye patches by Anatomicals will help reduce the appearance of fine lines, wrinkles and revitalise the delicate skin around your eyes!"

I don't really suffer from dark patches around my eyes and I'm only 22 so not many wrinkles and fine lines as of yet! Sometimes I do feel that Glossybox should look at the age ranges of their customers to make sure the box is suitable to their age, but I will give them a try. If they do nothing for me then I'm sure my mum will love them!

5. Vaseline Essential Moisture Lotion (50 ml sample) - "Is your skin weathering the elements? If so, then you need the Essential Moisture Lotion from Vaseline. It's non-greasy formulation and multi-layer complex absorbs quickly leaving your skin silky smooth and looking healthy."

Vaseline is a must-have beauty product that anyone and everyone should have in their homes. It smells nice and always leaves my skin feeling refreshed and moisturised. I do think that it shouldn't be included in a Glossybox because many people will already have tried and tested this brand before when really the box should include new and exciting brands 

Overall, nothing too extravagant. Nothing that has made me go oooh! Here's to hoping that the next months box will be an improvement. 

Living with Trichotillomania

Not many people have heard about Trichotillomania. I had never heard of it until a couple of years into the condition after finally getting the courage to look online.

The NHS website describes it as "a condition where a person feels compelled to pull their hair out."

The first time I remember pulling my hair out was in Year 7. It was the first year of High School and I felt like I wasn't fitting in with the people that everyone wanted to fit in with, the "popular" crowd and often felt isolated, bullied and made to feel inadequate by them. Some days I used to dread going to school and would just cry my eyes out or pretend to be ill just so I didn't have to be around some of these nasty, vile human beings.

I don't think there was a particular incident that made me start to pull but there were many different times that I remember to this day such as being called ugly,having pizza thrown at me and saying that nobody would ever love me and that I might as well be a lesbian (even though if I were a lesbian I'm sure there would still be a chance of someone loving me? duh! stupid fucking girls).

 I was always quite aware that I was pulling the hair. So aware that I obviously didn't want friends and family to find out so I would only pull hair from the underneath sections of my hair which started off just behind both ears. I would feel around the different hairs, lightly pulling on each one to find the one that would give me the most satisfaction to pull out and after pulling each separate hair out, I would inspect it, look at and feel any bits that were broken or a bit frizzy feeling and then discard it to search for the next victim. I don't think I quite realised how much hair I was pulling out because I would do it consciously and unconsciously.

 One day I remember doing my hair in the mirror before school and putting it in a high ponytail and grabbing the mirror to check if everything was in place at the back and was horrified to find these two huge bald patches. Although I was shocked at the amount of damage I had done to my head, it never stopped me from pulling. I eventually pulled out more hair that the two patches eventually met up in the middle. I think at that point I realised that eventually I could work upwards on my head and make it more noticeable which was the last thing I wanted. 

I go through stages of pulling and not pulling. In my case, it always seems to be when I'm in a stressful situation or when I had a lot of exams or deadlines. It was always a nice pain. I think the pulling sends the blood rushing to that part of your head therefore giving you somewhat of an euphoric experience. Some days I would pull so much from the same spot that I would create spots that I would then pick and pick at and make them bleed which was also a weird but nice pain but in normal sort of brain mode I would never ever dream of picking at a scab, the thought always repulsed me.

I have never had real help for the hair pulling directly, but I did see a counsellor to give me techniques to help with my depression and anxiety that I felt. But if I ever felt the need to pull I would try and keep my hands busy, either drawing or messing around with something, perhaps even sit on my hands just to try and stop myself. 

I don't think I have pulled my hair in the last year or so and I have definitely been tested this year. I had all my hair cut when I was 14/15 to match the length of the hair regrowth and unfortunately the hair never really grew much longer so I do wear hair extensions, not ridiculously long ones, but ones that make me feel like me again and give me confidence. 

If I were to offer advice to anyone that may think they suffer from trich, then I urge you just to tell one person, whether it be a family member, a friend or even your GP because it will be a massive weight off your shoulders and also you should know that you are definitely not alone. Its probably a more common thing than many of us realise because its associated with emotions that we as a nation don't often talk about and I feel the rise in exposure of this condition is getting bigger with one of the cast members of TOWIE Sam Faiers coming out and revealing she pulled all her eyelashes out and therefore has to wear false eyelashes and the young girl Rebecca Brown who went on This Morning recently to raise awareness of the condition. 

Although I have never out rightly told my parents although they know of the bald patches and have worried about the damage I may do to my hair with straightening etc. I have told a couple of people in my life and they never judged me and even one of them told me that she has a friend who also has the same condition. There should be no shame in it but you should always try to figure out the root of the hair pulling (no pun intended) to try and conquer it and hopefully to pull less and eventually never pulling again. 

It will probably be a life long battle, but one that I'm willing to fight and hopefully never let it take over me.

What Really Grinds My Gears...

That people think I am uneducated just because for the time being I work in a supermarket. It makes me angry so much. Yeah okay, you aren't to know that I went to University but to belittle me and make me feel like crap by asking me "Did you even go to college?" just hurts. I worked super hard to achieve the 2:1 that I got awarded and it isn't as easy as it was back in the days of black and white to just jump into your dream job. There are often hundreds of applicants for one job vacancy and unless you have a 1st and stand out heads and shoulders above the rest, unfortunately that job is not yours. I don't even know what I want to do with my life and at the moment I'm just happy earning money.

 I'd love to just walk around with a sandwich board at work with "I am university educated. Leave me the fuck alone."

June 2012 Leeds Metropolitan University

What I wore today

Last Monday was my Dad's 57th birthday*cough* old man *cough*. So in our family we always get to choose when and where we want to go out for something to eat the weekend before or after the big day! So tonight my Dad chose to go to an Italian restuarant that we have never been to called Giuliano which is in Handforth. 

We looked up reviews on Trip Advisor and it sounded pretty darn good so we booked our table! I'm not one for getting too overly dressed up to go out to a restaurant with the fam, but I always like to make an effort. So I went with the tartan trend shirt with the leather look black collar from Miss Selfridge with high waisted black jeans from the best high street shop for jeans (in my opinion), Topshop paired with my ARGO Heavy Strap Boots also from Topshop. They are a super comfy chunky buckle boot with a reasonable sized heel that even I can walk in.

 For my make up I just did my generic everyday look because I always feel the need to wear as much as possible! I just added a little bit of shimmer to my eyes and although they don't look too dark on the picture, I used a deep purpley-red lipstick.

 Foundation - Rimmel Wake Me Up Foundation in Ivory

Powder - Barbara Daly make up in Soft Beige

Blush - MUA Mosaic Blush in English Rose

Bronzer - MUA Mosaic Shimmering Glow Powder in Gold

Highlighter - Topshop in Sunbeam

Eyeshadow - Maybelline Colour 24 hour tattoo in Eternal Gold

Eyeliner - Sleek Eau La La liner in Noir

Mascara - Maybelline Mega Plush Volume

Lipstick - Topshop in Depth

 Leather Jacket - Miss Selfridge £48

Red Tartan Shirt - Miss Selfridge £28

Black Jeans - Topshop £40

Hat - New Look £7.99

ARGO Heavy Strap Boot - Topshop £92

I have eaten far too much and therefore I am now sporting a rather large food baby! Food was nice but the service was rather slow. We waited over an hour between starter and main course and I got so pissed off I didn't even eat a dessert! and they had my fave; Carrot Cake mmmm. Oh well!

I know its now the middle of January and I'm probably way behind on the whole New Year resolution thing but I've finally managed to compile a list of things I want to achieve over the next year.

1. GET A NORMAL SHIFT AT WORK

I cannot stand working till ten o'clock anymore. 15 months of having no social life and silly sleeping patterns are starting to take its toll.

2.SAVE LOTS OF MONEY

Every month I shall put away into my ISA account at least £400 to save for a car or whatever I may need in the future! 

3. READ MORE!

I'm on my second book of the year already. The first was The Black Box by Michael Connelly; a crime novel about solving a 20 year old cold case murder. I have now started the first in The Hunger Games trilogy and I am so frikkin excited to read more. 

4. TAKE MORE PICTURES

Whether it be the obligatory "seflie" if I'm feeling particularly good about myself or like a particular outfit I'm wearing. Or plenty of my beautiful cats :)

5. GET MY FAT ASS TO THE GYM MORE

I do love the gym. I put my headphones in and feel like I'm just in my own little world and any stresses I may be feeling just disappear for that 40 minutes I may be there for. Plus I have to be in a bikini in 6 months so I need to tone up!

6. GIVE TO CHARITY

Having gone through so much crap recently, it made me think that other people are feeling the exact same way and that if I couldn't really help myself then why not help others. With the money I got for Christmas, I split it between five charities because I didn't need the money and I'm sure others would appreciate it more.

7.LOOK AFTER MYSELF

2014 will be the year where I focus on what makes me happy. Whether it be concentrating on my art. Or treating myself every now and again. Doing what will please me and not others.

Fingers crossed 2014 will be so much better than the last :)

This is she. Lauren. Sainsburys bitch.

I'm a piercing addict.

Cat lady.

Make up whore.

Terrible eyebrows.

Fake hair.

The two loves of my life: Oscar

 and Elmo :)

I like to vent.

Here's to more shite

I guess this could be quite deep for a first blog post but its the main thing happening in my otherwise alright life. Relationships. At some point in our lifetime we will go through the pain and devastation of heartbreak, whether it be the break up of a relationship or the loss of a loved one. 

A couple of months ago, someone I cared for deeply just left me. No warnings. No signs. Just one day told me that they couldn't do it any more  I can honestly say that it majorly fucked my life up something rotten. ever since that day life has gradually got worse. its like living in a different world at the moment, trapped in darkness where all you can see is the negatives and nothing seems to go right.

Relationships are just the worst. Before I met this last one, I had sworn to myself that I wouldn't put myself into a situation where my already broken heart couldn't fall apart any more,  but I guess you cant help who you end up liking. I remember meeting him for the first time, it was the very first day of my new job at Sainsburys. he was my team leader on fresh and all I heard about him from my mum who already worked there was that he was a lovely guy, super nice; couldn't have much more commendable things to say about him. she also happened to throw in the fact that he had a girlfriend so I knew straight off the bat that he was a no go. but the heart and brain work in wonderfully annoying ways and everyday I spent with him i liked him more and bloody more. We were drunk the night we both admitted our feelings for each other. It was about 3/4 o'clock in the morning and id just been dropped off at my house in a taxi from town and he messaged me and told me that he did. I did the loudest and proudest silent scream you could ever imagine and jumped up and down on my bed for what seemed like an eternity before I replied to him admitting that I felt exactly the same. I was infatuated by him. He was not my type at all. I normally go for the bad boy, with the jet black dyed hair, tattoos and piercings. he was just a normal guy, tall and skinny with light brown hair, gorgeous blue eyes and a nice smile. I just adored him. 

The first hurdle i guess is the hours we both work. well more my issue with the fact I work till 10 o'clock at night so seeing each other would be on days off and late late at night and this ended up being part of the "reason" (if you could call it one) with breaking it off. That Monday morning was horrific.  He sent it through an iMessage. Just that one line "i just can't do this any more . That image haunts me in my dreams till this day. I immediately threw up and just cried my eyes out. how could this person who id been planning to do all these fantastic things with on our upcoming planned holidays just give up like that. over the next two and a half months the emotions came thick and fast. 

The first - utter devastation. I couldn't go five minutes without welling up and I ended up crying myself to sleep every single night and that's if I even went to sleep. Some nights I reckon I had up to an hour all night of just broken sleep with terrible nightmares, just seeing his face all the time. I'd wake up in hot sweats. I thought it couldn't be possible for anymore liquid to excrete from my body.

The second emotion I remember feeling is confusion. A lot of questions going on in my head. Why this, why that? How could he do this? Why is he doing this? My brain would not shut off and this was also a factor in the not sleeping issue. 

After two weeks of not sleeping, crying and living off water and a small pack of dried pineapple pieces, my dad forced me to go to the doctors. I was given a prescription of sleeping pills that did absolutely nothing for me for another couple of weeks. Again this resorted into another trip to the doctor, where I ended up crying for at least 20 minutes and taking up all the other patients time. I told her relationship issues and the other things that were causing me grief in my life e.g. my aunty suffering from terminal cancer, my Nana not being very well, my cousin having a potentially dangerous pregnancy and then to top it off my uncle has a stroke which then turns out he has cancer that has spread from his lungs to his brain.

 I was then prescribed an antidepressant and was told that I need to attend counselling because i was affecting my mum and dads lives with my sadness and that it wasn't fair to make them go through more shit than they needed to at this time. 

This was the darkest I have ever felt in my life. I would only leave the house to go to work which was the last place I ever wanted to be. Everything there reminded me of him. I see his name signed on the fire door forms, everyone knows him, everyone asks how he is and I hated every second of telling them it was over because it tore me apart every time I had to repeat the same thing over and over again.

I ended up collapsing quite a few times over this month from lack of food and sleep. I lost over a stone in weight and wouldn't bother with the way I looked because I just didn't care about myself. I felt so completely worthless. Like i meant nothing. I felt like I had been a hassle in his life and that i was just his scapegoat out of his previous relationship and he didn't want to hurt me so carried on with his charade. i hated myself. I didn't look in the mirror any more. I repulsed myself. 

The lowest depression I have ever felt -  I'd have given money to someone to just put me out my misery and kill me. I would sit in the car hoping that someone would just drive straight into the passenger side and that would be it or if I was driving that if I just sped up a bit a drove into a lamppost,  I'd probably suffer in dying but in my head that sounded better then feeling what I felt anyway. or that id go to sleep and out of some sort of miracle I just wouldn't wake up. I got to the point of self harming.

I've always been a self harmer when it comes to stress and depression. I suffer from trichotilomania and have pulled my hair out from the age of 11 and that was how I dealt with the dark feelings. but I have sort of trained myself out of that habit and ending up cutting up all my arm just to try and feel something that wasn't just pure bleakness. I regret that so much because I now have scars all up and down my arm that just remind me of that pain. I just want to hate him so much. But I cant. I just want to forget but I cant.

Its definitely gotten easier. I don't cry all day and actually go out to places other than work and socialise with people. but I don't really want to. My main emotion at the moment is just anger. Mainly for what I put myself thorough. I just tell myself every day that he is just a coward who couldn't even dump me in person and has no heart because he never asked me once whether I'm okay. not a single word has come from him. pathetic. not even a real apology and I hope karma comes back round and bites him hard in the backside because it is not fair to treat people that way. its been two and a half months and there's still part of me that wants the Disney film ending where he'll just appear telling me how stupid he was and we'll float off into the sunset all happy. but it is not going to happen. He's not my prince charming, more like prince cowardly little twatbag. 

I am not ready for a relationship and will not be for a very long time.